"He was a modest man with an unbelievable ego."
Boring Introductions
Example: Art is a reflection of one's self-identity in the most unaffected manner. Because art is very personal, it has no right or wrong. The type of art that has influenced me most is music.
The first two sentences in this introduction set the kind of tone you want to maintain throughout your essay: introspective and creative. However, it moves on to a very boring and stifled structure in the third sentence. To keep the tone creative, you could replace that sentence with the following: "Although artistic expression can take many forms, it is music that has captivated me."
Not Enough Detail
Too often, an essay with an interesting story will fizzle into a series of statements that tell rather than show the qualities of the writer. Students wrongfully assume that the reader will not "get it" if they do not beat their main arguments to death. Thus, the essay succumbs to the usual clich閟: the value of hard work and perseverance, learning from mistakes, etc. An example helps explain the difference:
In a mediocre essay: I developed a new compassion for the disabled.
In a good essay: The next time Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I smiled and immediately took her arm.
The first example provides no detail, but the final example evokes a vivid image of something that actually happened, thus placing the reader in the experience of the applicant.
Wordiness
Because personal essays are limited to a certain number of words, you must use the allotted space wisely. Sometimes that means paring down ideas or details, especially if they are repetitive or irrelevant. Details that don't relate to the story serve only to distract the reader and to obscure the larger themes of the essay. Here's one convoluted example: